Living the dream… What if reality doesn’t quite match up?

As a psychologist who has lived and worked in a number of countries,  I’m very interested in what happens to us in the period between making the decision to move countries and integrating that move into our identity.  It’s an ongoing process that I, personally, found very freeing. Most recently, I moved from California to Catalunya which, despite sounding slightly similar in name, are worlds apart. I’ve gone through several phases in this move and would say that it’s taken several years for me to feel fully part of my new community.

For many people, moving to another part of the world is exhilarating, expansive and an opportunity not to be missed. But, it’s not for everybody and it always has unexpected twists and turns that can lead us to question our decision.

Life is full of changes. Some of us seek them while others are much more comfortable with stability.  Neither perspective is better than the other but those who prefer stability are more likely to struggle with the turbulence of moving countries. Sometimes, the pressure to ‘make a success’ of the move gets in the way of being able to make adjustments or deciding that moving permanently is not what we want.

Inevitably,  we all experience moments when there is a disconnect between the fantasy that spurred the move and the reality of day-to-day life in our new home.  This can feel overwhelming, disheartening and lonely.   Many times, when talking to our friends from back home, they don’t understand that ‘living the dream’ sometimes feels like a nightmare.  Moving to Europe can provoke envy from those who have watched  “My Year in Provence” or “Emily goes to Paris”.  But, the frustration of not understanding the nuances of the culture,  having little more than tourist language skills, or missing our friends and families is real and can be intense.

On a psychological level,  we sometimes hope that that our emotional and relational lives will miraculously change by relocating  (some people call this ‘doing a geographic’)  This rarely happens and our own emotional baggage faithfully follows us and can  feel even more difficult without our established support systems.

I was talking about this with Wendy Kendall who was, for many years, an organizational psychologist working with companies that employ expats. She pointed out that, after the ‘honeymoon phase’ of the initial move, people either flounder or transform from the experience. It’s a bifurcating moment.

I think that this pivot point comes from how well the process of moving is supported (both practically and emotionally) and how the nuances of the experience become conscious.  Only when we are aware of our feelings can we adapt to them and make necessary adjustments. I, for example, first moved to a beautiful small coastal village on the Costa Brava dreaming that I would spend my days swimming, fishing and philosophizing in the sun.  After a couple of years, I realized that my dream forgot that I’m more of a community person than a philosopher and that I am comfortable in cities. Only whenI let go of my initial fantasy, I could look for a better match for my personality and subsequently moved to Girona, where I do feel at home.

Becoming part of a new community means that we have to push ourselves to make connections and to try new things.  We have to reach out and take risks.  This can be a freeing opportunity or can feel intimidating - sometimes both. When we start planning our move, it’s hard to imagine how much work it takes to build our social network from scratch, let alone doing it in another country and possibly in another language.    It’s certainly doable but takes time, sustained effort and a willingness to be flexible. When things are not going smoothly its normal to forget that we moved because we wanted change and to yearn for the familiarity of where we left. Until I moved, I was not somebody who joined groups or who gave much time to hobbies or leisure activities.  I was defined by my work. But, I realized that I would have to change and become more of a joiner.   Now, to my surprise, I enjoy participating a lot and have discovered a different side of myself.

Where I live, there are a number of groups, both online and face-to-face that bring the international community together.  There are also opportunities to join groups or activities made up of  both people from Catalunya and foreigners who share common interests. There are even Catalan people who volunteer their time to talk with foreigners who want practice their basic language skills. For me, these have been invaluable.  I also found that by offering to help out - by being a language buddy, inviting a neighbor for a coffee, supporting a local cause, or what ever came along gradually made me feel that Girona is my home.

Continuing our own passions is also important.  Whether as a cook, artist, sports person, handy person, community organizer, reader,  musician, these passions are a central part of who we are and need to be nurtured in whatever country we live.  Sometimes, moving allows us to try something new.  What’s to lose?

What do you think? What has worked or not worked  for you? What advice would you give to others? Please join the conversation.